Life has been hard. Relatively. Lately.
I'm good at being
uncomfortable, but I guess at a certain point, what's uncomfortable becomes
familiar and comfortable. Now that I'm
working and moving and communicating and using my brain and disappointing people
in new ways…I'm uncomfortable again…in a less comfortable way. If that makes any sense.
I thought this job would be somewhat of a cake-walk, but it's
much harder than I'd imagined. My
co-workers, who I don't know how to be around yet, knew what I was walking into
and 'fessed up to me they didn't think I'd last a week, as most do not. They still tell me on a regular basis that
they won't blame me if I decide not to come back. Others in my position have left mid-shift! And as it stands, I'm the only one who hasn't
"grown-up" working this job, like all the close friends and family
who've been working the family business for 10+ years. Well it's been 3 weeks now and I'm still
working. It's more difficult than I
anticipated but it's all I have right now.
I can absolutely guarantee I won't quit, (until it's time to move). It's a
part of the road I'm meant to travel and
if there was a better way to go, it would find me.
I also have to walk to work, which sucks because of the
heat, but is ok. It's a 15-20 minute
walk and mostly downhill. However
walking home is hard. I usually leave
work around 9pm and I don't get breaks or a lunch so I'm basically standing all
day. When we lock the doors, needless to
say, my dogs are barkin' and walking home (uphill now) with my bad shoes, bad
feet, and all my extra weight is a job within itself. All the new activity has also led to some
intense burning pain in my right, upper thigh.
At first it would kick in towards the end of the night, now it just
comes and goes all day and all night, especially if I decide to touch it. When applying firm pressure I can feel lumps…it's
a bit unnerving. Some internet research
has me thinking I have some nerve damage due to the excessive standing and excessive
weight. Supposedly it will eventually
fix itself once the weight comes off, or I stop overexerting the leg. So I guess losing the weight is my only
option.
I used to walk to work and would kindly prod my sister or brother-in-law to pick me up at the end of the night, but as of last night,
I've decided I need to suck it up and do the work myself. The 7 minute round-trip to pick me up has put
me at odds with them yet again. They
hate picking me up so much I get the silent treatment and sighs and
eye-rolling. I realized that I once
again feel like the bad child disappointing the parents all the time…not to
mention my 42-year old brother still treats
me like a sub-human and I have to deal with his insinuations on a regular
basis. At first he was disappointed
because I didn't have a job. Now…who knows
why? I guess because, as I've been told,
he says, "I’m a fat, lazy, know-it-all, loser with no ambition." But I know he's wrong so it's ok.
It's just that, at the moment, I can't handle all the judgment
like I used to when I wasn't working.
Now I have a different kind of added stress of my own to deal with and I
need "calm" somewhere.
So I'll walk. And
I'll figure out my job and learn how to co-exist with my co-workers, and I'll
lose some weight and fix my leg and prove my brother wrong and save some money
and do something great. ...And
I'll make the most of it because I'm an extraordinary machine. Aren't we all? Just gotta stay positive. :)
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