Thunderstruck

This picture's not mine I Googled it :)

The low, deep slow-rolling rumble of thunder roused me at 6:30am.  However it wasn’t fear that sent my feet kicking back the black comforter studded with roses down to the bed’s end.  It was a pulse of electricity igniting a small fire of excitement in me for what the day may have to offer- that had me up and about with laptop in hand, instead of rolling over in bed, pulling the shroud of roses back over my head.

Positivity.  Not exactly an emotion, just a simple word that can dictate so much in one’s life. 

It is an unusual feeling for me lately, positivity.  And by lately I mean the past 3 years of my life.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not typically one to focus on the negative, I’ve always been one to pray for guidance and look towards the future.  But I’m human and would be lying if I said that fear, doubt and disappointment weren’t always present, floating around in the back of my brain, bobbing up with every decision I make.  Needless to say, positivity isn’t normally a state I’m in-it’s a state I strive to be in.  Well…actually maybe there is a need to say since you don’t actually know me yet.  Just for context, Ill short-hand the past 3 years of my life until I can elaborate. 

Let’s just say in the last 3 years of my life I’ve succeeded in: not having a career or even a job, not having a husband or even a boyfriend (I know this doesn’t sound that bad bud wait), spending all my savings, losing my car(s), losing my independence, losing my identity, which led to me losing my confidence, which led to me losing several battles in the biggest war I’ve faced in my life…the war with my body.  Yes!  I am a “chick”.  These things matter.  EXSESSIVE WEIGHT GAIN.  Ugh. 

These problems may seem miniscule to some and probably truly are to most.  I’m not in anyway trying to say that my problems are noteworthy but for me they were the guiding light that led from one bad decision to the next, which led to me to here…with this spark, under the thunder, wanting to share my life with whoever cares to partake.  Probably mostly just my family!  Lol.  But that’s ok.  I love to write…which is also something I haven’t felt in a while.  Hopefully this fog is finally lifting and I’ll better be able to navigate through these muddled feelings in my head and decisions in the future.  That would be great, but is yet to be seen since I’m writing in the present.  (I've never written a blog btw). So from now on this first post will either serve as the introduction to a more positive me, or the introduction to my latest failure.  I think the former.  Why?  You ask.  What is it that this wet and cloudy morning has that other mornings haven’t had in the past 3 years? 

Well I’m thunderstruck with a decision I’ve made just this past weekend.  It’s the first decision I’ve made in 3 years that sent my heart aflutter the moment I thought it.  It’s the first decision I’ve made in some time that has felt risky but wonderful and feasible.  Now when you hear…or rather read what that decision is you may not think it a big one.  But for a sheltered, anxious, planner like myself, it’s the biggest decision I’ve made in my whole somewhat jaded life.  I’ve decided to move away from home!  …Have you stopped laughing yet??

As you know from my blog title, I’m 31 (and a half) so you probably are laughing at me right now and shaking your head…which I’m not gonna lie, is fair.  But nonetheless I want this blog to be about the humor in life that can come along with all the other nonsense!  So laugh away!  And keep reading!  In the long-run, if you’re bored, I think this ‘read’ may be worth your time. 

Oceanside, California.  North county San Diego.  That is where I live now.  A dream to most, even me!  I love Oceanside, I love North County, I love San Diego…heck I love California!!  But with old friends and constant family and ancient broken dreams bobbing all around me, it’s exactly what I need to get away from at the moment.  I’ve never lived far from my sweltering hometown of El Centro, California; where my parents choose to roost and roast.  100-something miles away in Orange County is the furthest I’ve ever lived away from home.  It was only for a year and I moved in with my sister, brother-in-law and nephew, so it wasn’t that big of a deal.  After failing and fighting for a year there, I moved back in with my parents to fail and fight some more.  I’ll elaborate later.  Now I live with my sister and her family again (plus one more, my beautiful niece), since they decided to buy a home in Oceanside.  There is some failing and a lot of fighting involved here too.  It’ll be a year in October that I’ve been here, but from Orange County ‘till now, not much has changed in my life but the zip code. 

Last week, after a big fight with my sister, I got down on my knees and prayed like I’ve done many times before.  However this time I asked for clarity.  I’ve always asked for guidance toward a bright and fruitful future, but I was never sure if the road I chose was his guidance or my own misguided decision.  I never doubted that God would grant these blessings upon me, but I always wondered if I was making the path to my bright future longer by taking so many wrong turns.  This time I needed to be sure I wasn’t going to miss any opportunities.  I asked him to make my path clear so that I could easily see it, which is something I’ve always been afraid to ask because…I don’t know.  I guess because sometimes I get nervous about asking for too much.  But at that moment in the wake of disaster and yet another fight, I decided to take a chance.  2 days later my prayers were answered.  I became Seattle bound! 

I know this decision is in line with the path I’m meant to take; the way God intended for me to go.  The reason is because this is the first true choice I’ve made in years.  What I mean is it wasn’t a thought posed by someone else or thrown in front of me.  It was a conclusion I came to, based on an idea that came from my own brain!  And it was an idea that wasn’t floundering in an ocean of bobbing feelings of self-doubt and questions of what-if and is this right?  Like the rare positively charged, strike of lightening, formed on a cloud’s surface, this decision was a strike of confidence, excitement and pure positivity.  For me, this was the clarity I prayed for…possibly in the wake of a tornado to come in these next six months before I leave. 

I would have just up in left now with the 200 dollars I have in my wallet, but my one and only connection and soon to be roomy, in my home-to-be, over a 1000 mile away, won’t be able to accompany me on my journey of self-discovery until February. So instead I’ll use this time to hopefully, finally find a real job, save some money, lose a few pounds of insecurity, buy a ticket and pack some things to prepare.  When I get to Seattle I hope to find another job, get an apartment with my crappy credit, continue to lose weight, and maybe find love??  Who knows?  But that will be this blog in a nutshell.  I haven’t been productive in some time so this will be quite a task.  But I suppose it is time for me to grow up…at least a little.  I’m crossing my fingers.  Only positive things! 
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