The coming rain and leaky ceilings...

My leaky bedroom ceiling

So February is fast approaching, and the thought of moving to Seattle, though still scary, gets more exciting and feels more real with every first light of day.  I got a taste of what I could possibly be in for this past week.  It rained more last week then it has all year here.  Fortunately, I loved it!  This is the attitude I'd need to have in order to thrive in a drizzling city.  There were only two worrisome problems I had last week that had to do with the rain.  The first was the leaky ceiling I didn't know I had…which led to a soaked carpet, which led to a dank, stale smell this week.  Oie.  Nothing I can't handle though.  Honestly it had me trying to be more prepared for my move, thinking about waterproof shoes and hoodies and what not.  I know Seattleites don't do umbrellas. 

The bigger worrisome problem I had regards, not the literal rain, but whether or not I'll be experiencing any rain at all from the Seattle sky.  Unfortunately, my future Seattle roommate; my only live connection to the drizzling city, to the grunge capitol, to the immediate future I've been working toward since mid August, won't return my messages.   

In the past six days I've messaged her 3 times via FB messenger and on her wall.  I know, I should call, but unfortunately we never exchanged numbers because I don't have reliable service, only a text ap.  At the time Facebook seemed like the most reliable means to communicate, it was how we connected to begin with, so I went with it.  However, now that I'm inquiring about specific dates and apartments and plans, she has decided to hit the figurative pause button on things.  It's only been six days, but she has posted every day, several times on her page, and has responded to other friends in the past six days since those 3 messages I've sent…so I don't know what to think, except that I'm being ignored and maybe she's changed her mind about sharing in this adventure with me.  Or maybe she just didn't take the idea as seriously as I did, though we did speak about it at length in the beginning months.  

          

I'm stressing about it so much that I've decided to write it down.  I feel like I have so much to lose, even though I won't physically be losing anything.  What does this mean?  Does this mean I mis-read my seemingly crystal clear omen?  Was I never meant for Seattle at all, or am I supposed to go at it alone?  Should I say, "eff" it, accept this as a loss and just focus on my job?  Maybe just buy a car instead?  If I don't go, does this mean I'm giving up?  Or does this unforeseen circumstance merit change?  I can't figure it out!  I need guidance!  All I know is no decision I've made has felt as right as the one to find a place in this fascinating, far away city with the one person I knew there.  Hopefully I'll figure it out soon.  My future is starting to smell as dank and stale as my bedroom carpet.  I'll be praying extra hard tonight.  If anyone reads this, please say a prayer for the lost and simple minded tonight! :)       

Work is on my mind...

Things at work have progressed accordingly, in ways that a "job" would.  What does this mean?  It means I'm feeling more relaxed…content with my role there.  I'm more confident in my abilities although I'm still far from error-free.  The excitement has subsided some; a touch of tedium and monotony has inevitably set in, but it isn't nearing unendurable by any means.  It is laborious though.  I did come during the busiest time of year for them!  In roughly 3 months I've even come to that point where I wonder if this daily drudge has chipped away at my soul a little…or is it just me adjusting to the normal grind after a 3-year hiatus?  I'm not sure, but in a way I'm hoping it's the former, because in a way I feel like I need more challenges in my life in order to grow into the person I want to be.  I feel like I'm constantly trying to prove myself to "me" and suffering and surviving through "hard times" feels like a triumph somehow.  I dunno, I'm kind of in my head right now.

Things at work have progressed uncommonly in ways that a "job" never has for me before.  What does this mean?  It means I'm feeling happy despite the minimum wages, minimum conditions and minimum authority.  This is purely because of the people I work with.  They are all extreme characters with diverse histories who've all accepted me into their little family.  In roughly 3 months I've even come to the point where I feel like working there has been enough just because I've gotten a chance to know all of them.   I've never felt closer to a group of coworkers in such completeness before.  I think, in a way I've just missed the normalcy of people being people around me, since my 3-year hiatus.  The excitement has increased some; a touch of interest and openness has inevitably sparked, and I hope these people remain in my sights for years to come.  I'm not sure, but I feel as if these people, strategically placed in my life, are all helping me grow into the person I want to be.  I'm constantly trying to prove myself to them, and meeting certain aspects of their expectations feels like a triumph somehow.  But I dunno…I’m kind of in my head right now.   

VENTING....

It’s a never-ending battlefield of diminutive squabbles here.  You’d think there’d be goodwill and a modicum of respect tossed at my feet after finally getting a job and contributing financially around here.  However that isn’t the case…not with this family.  It seems, before I started working I was around all the time and was looked down on because of it…now my hours have me in the same communal area as my brother-in-law, sister and the kids less than a few hours a day, give or take; and now I’m not necessarily looked down on, but instead treated like an unexpected guest in the house of “them”.  If it’s not one thing it’s the other.  ESPECIALLY when it comes to my brother-in-law, who acts like the biggest bleeding vagina anytime he doesn’t get his way.  Pardon the crude-phrasing but it’s happening. 

I’m off 1 day a week, but can I watch tv in the livingroom that 1 night?  NO.  Because, it’s his tv, his house his rules and he wants to play video games.  AND he talks to me like I’m his 5 yr old son instead of his 31 year old sister-in-law who now pays rent.  As if being 31 and paying rent to live in my brother-in-law’s house isn’t pathetic enough!  To be fair he’s always been an obnoxious, spoiled chauvinistic, cry-baby, egomaniac, but everyone has their tipping point, and I’m having one right now!  Sure it’s a small issue, but it’s always the small issues, isn’t it?  Six days a week I come home at night…he’s playing games up until I go to bed.  I wake up…he’s playing games before work.  I don’t complain, I’m even nice!  But on Tuesday night, when I wanna veg and watch a tv show…my sister comes in with a tone because her bleeding-vagina of a husband texted her saying he was going to take the 60 inch flat screen out of the living room because I complained that I wanted to watch a show, which interfered with his gaming OOOONE NIIIIGHT!!!  Maybe God puts these obstacles in front of me when I mentally start to buckle from the idea of moving to Seattle.  Well if that’s the case…thank you, God, it’s working.     

"...I still only travel by foot and by foot it's a slow climb..." -F.A.

(Forewarning: I've been listening to a lot of Fiona Apple lately…the italic phrases prove it.)

Life has been hard.  Relatively.  Lately.

I'm good at being uncomfortable, but I guess at a certain point, what's uncomfortable becomes familiar and comfortable.  Now that I'm working and moving and communicating and using my brain and disappointing people in new ways…I'm uncomfortable again…in a less comfortable way.  If that makes any sense. 

I thought this job would be somewhat of a cake-walk, but it's much harder than I'd imagined.  My co-workers, who I don't know how to be around yet, knew what I was walking into and 'fessed up to me they didn't think I'd last a week, as most do not.  They still tell me on a regular basis that they won't blame me if I decide not to come back.  Others in my position have left mid-shift!  And as it stands, I'm the only one who hasn't "grown-up" working this job, like all the close friends and family who've been working the family business for 10+ years.  Well it's been 3 weeks now and I'm still working.  It's more difficult than I anticipated but it's all I have right now.  I can absolutely guarantee I won't quit, (until it's time to move).   It's a part of the road I'm meant to travel and if there was a better way to go, it would find me.  

I also have to walk to work, which sucks because of the heat, but is ok.  It's a 15-20 minute walk and mostly downhill.  However walking home is hard.  I usually leave work around 9pm and I don't get breaks or a lunch so I'm basically standing all day.  When we lock the doors, needless to say, my dogs are barkin' and walking home (uphill now) with my bad shoes, bad feet, and all my extra weight is a job within itself.  All the new activity has also led to some intense burning pain in my right, upper thigh.  At first it would kick in towards the end of the night, now it just comes and goes all day and all night, especially if I decide to touch it.  When applying firm pressure I can feel lumps…it's a bit unnerving.  Some internet research has me thinking I have some nerve damage due to the excessive standing and excessive weight.  Supposedly it will eventually fix itself once the weight comes off, or I stop overexerting the leg.  So I guess losing the weight is my only option.  

I used to walk to work and would kindly prod my sister or brother-in-law to pick me up at the end of the night, but as of last night, I've decided I need to suck it up and do the work myself.  The 7 minute round-trip to pick me up has put me at odds with them yet again.  They hate picking me up so much I get the silent treatment and sighs and eye-rolling.  I realized that I once again feel like the bad child disappointing the parents all the time…not to mention my 42-year old brother still treats me like a sub-human and I have to deal with his insinuations on a regular basis.  At first he was disappointed because I didn't have a job.  Now…who knows why?  I guess because, as I've been told, he says, "I’m a fat, lazy, know-it-all, loser with no ambition."  But I know he's wrong so it's ok.

It's just that, at the moment, I can't handle all the judgment like I used to when I wasn't working.  Now I have a different kind of added stress of my own to deal with and I need "calm" somewhere.
    

So I'll walk.  And I'll figure out my job and learn how to co-exist with my co-workers, and I'll lose some weight and fix my leg and prove my brother wrong and save some money and do something great.  ...And I'll make the most of it because I'm an extraordinary machine.  Aren't we all? Just gotta stay positive. :)

#growingup #adulthood #hardtimes #weightjourney #lifejourney #life #travel #travelbyfoot #fionaapple #music #thefeels #31andahalfandalmostagrownup #almostagrownup #gettingolder #moving #California #seattle #lifeblog #blogging #blogger #positivity #positivethoughts #prayer #ilovetherain #omens #signs #pathway #clarity #thirtysomething #job #findajob #savemoney #crappycredit  

LO AND BEHOLD THE SIGNS!

I googled dis pic :)

For the past 3 years I’ve sent out hundreds of resumes, filled out several applications, had maybe a dozen callbacks, a handful of interviews and not a single real job came from it.  I’m not saying I did everything I could, but I did more to find a job than those around me believed.  Which is understandable….I have been unemployed for nearly 3 years. :)

ANYWHO! After all the wasted resumes and failed interviews and all the rest of it, I finally got a job!  It wasn’t until I prayed for clarity and a clear path that I finally got it, BUT…I finally did.  I know some will laugh at the seemingly simpleminded conclusions I’ve come to regarding how my recent blessings have come to fruition, but either way, I still truly believe in the signs!  After praying for clarity, just a few days later, (this past Sunday) I had a single step of my future plans figured out: Move away.  It was the only independent thought, surrounded by happy vibes, I’d had in 3 years…it was a clear sign to me.  Then on Wednesday, I was hired pretty much on the spot for a job I had picked up an application for that same Sunday, on a whim, because I’d happen to be walking past a place with a help-wanted sign in the window.  It was randomly great timing.  

Oh, FYI, this isn’t going to be a preachy blog I promise!  I know some people don’t like that…me too sometimes.  I may sight a Bible quote here and again, but I’ll keep it focused on the lessons I’ve learned.  I’m a God-fearing, woman of faith but I’m no expert.  I haven’t been to church in years, I have a ton of tattoos, whatever that means, and I haven’t read the Bible through, though I’d like to one day.  I do have this cool app on my phone that spits out Bible verses at random though!  Sounds silly but the verse usually corresponds to a current struggle I might be having and urges me to look up the following verses for context…so me likes!  But I digress…like a lot.  Meh. 

Anyway, it’s not a dream-job or anything, but it’s a start!  Now I can pay my way to Seattle, and it’s the first job I’ve had in 3 years that actually comes with a paystub and a W2.  I’m not going to lie.  Once Jerry, (my boss starting Monday), told me screw it, see you Monday, (lol), my old familiar, uneasy feelings of self-doubt crept up on me easily, like the midday shadow at my rear.  Can I do this?  Do I still have what it takes?  Now that I have a steady paycheck, should I just stay here in Oceanside and save money?  Maybe saving for a car is more important than leaving town.  Maybe Seattle was just a hoop dream.  

But I couldn’t let my doubts take me down a road that wasn’t on the map…not again.  I had to tell myself that the reason things are coming together is because of my prayers.  Now I had to have faith and let the signs take me down the right path.  I absolutely don’t have everything figured out and I’m scared to think of the negatives at this point.  I’m afraid to even think of what can go wrong on Monday, when I start my new job, let alone what is to come when I move 1000 miles away from everything that makes me feel so cozy and comfortable, in 6 months.  But baby-steps is the only way I can gain the independence I once had when I was fearless and young.  I need that independence again, but the upside is, this time when I attain it, it won’t be stifled by the naivety that comes with youth…not that I don’t still have a lot to learn.  I am actually just now figuring things out.  So I guess, for me, 31 is the age of beginnings…and following the signs.  :)

#signs #followthesigns #blessings #Seattle #newjob #newboss #Oceanside #tattoos #31 #31yearsold #31andahalfandalmostagrownup #blog #blogger #blogging #lovetoblog #lovetowrite #believe #hope #faith